Life F**king Lessons

Guys, I have a confession. I have this gigantic, family-sized crush on the Osbournes. I was raised on pre-Dio Black Sabbath, and so it’s obvious I would have an affinity for Ozzy – but Sharon and Kelly and Jack all have a place in my heart too. Here are some things I learned from the Osbournes:

  1. Every once in a while, you just gotta throw a ham at your neighbor. I don’t mean literally (unless that’s your thing), I mean like – sometimes you’ve just had enough of someone’s shit. In the first season, the Osbournes had an ongoing feud with their neighbors, who one night were singing “He’s Got The Whole World” at the top of their lungs. The Osbournes played competing metal music first, and then Sharon resorted to gigglingly throwing a ham over the fence between their houses. It was hilarious and therapeutic. Sure, the cops came, and said “Don’t throw bagels at ‘em, don’t throw ham at ‘em,” but it all ended up okay.

  2. Don’t fucking do heroin. It’s the one drug even Ozzy wouldn’t touch.

  3. Your family will horrify and embarrass you. Obviously. Just watch literally any moment of the show where Kelly talks to literally any member of her family.

  4. You gotta do what you gotta do. Sharon’s dad, Don Arden, was once Sabbath’s manager. He was generally a douchefuck, and eventually Sharon told him to piss off. When Black Sabbath ditched Ozzy, she took over his management. She has since managed Motorhead, Lita Ford, and The Smashing Pumpkins. She also turned down offers from Fred Durst, Guns N’ Roses, and Courtney Love.

  5. Misunderstandings happen. This is okay.

  6. Hope isn’t just for airheaded twats. The family has been through so much: Ozzy’s addiction and Parkin syndrome, Jack’s MS, Sharon’s colon cancer and proactive double mastectomy… They are a family of survivors and they are continuing to succeed. Fuck illness in its stupid little face.

  7. Don’t make assumptions about someone’s intelligence. Ozzy is severely dyslexic, and in his autobiography he talks about how he would have rare moments of clarity and suddenly be able to read – he would read as many books as he could before the dyslexia would creep back in. Oh, also, Ozzy wrote an autobiography and it’s brilliant.

  8. Swearing is really, truly not the end of the world. Their Christmas episode has a total of 78 bleeped-out swears.

  9. Have a heart and share everything you can. In the early oughts, the Osbournes took in a teenaged friend of the family named Robert Mercado. Robert’s mother died of the same type of cancer Sharon battled. They not only took Robert in but also sent him to college, endorsing his dream of drama school.


note: I took out one of these about Kelly’s weight loss because it was disingenuous and reductive and I didn’t like it.