An Apology

by kaelikennedy

Guys, I fucked up. I didn’t write a post last week.

Look, I’ve been genuinely, truly overwhelmed. A lot is going on for me right now, and much of it is definitively not mine to talk about. What I am comfortable talking about is the fact that I’m working two jobs (which still isn’t enough money) and taking a 12-credit courseload, of which 3 credits are a 10-plus-hour-per-week internship and 3 credits are TAing an Intro to Creative Writing class. I’ve made myself intensely available to my students and to MegaBits, and while I don’t regret that, it has made me incredibly distractible and spacey on TOP of busy. I’m in a relatively new and serious relationship, which often makes me feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. I’m trying to overcome (or realistically manage) depression, anxiety, and disordered eating through individual and group therapy every week and other week respectively. I’m in my poetry senior seminar and I have never felt more pressured to produce valuable work (at times I feel qualified to do so, and at other times vastly unqualified.)

Excuses, excuses. I can rattle off why precisely I’m busy or ailing, but I should still be a functional human being. And there are glimmering moments of that. But overall it’s been really difficult to see a pattern at all, let alone a positive one. Sure, I make jokes on Twitter about my brain, like it’s a little sibling that only I get to make fun of. But I am my brain, and my brain is sub-par right now. I don’t want to indict anyone for this, and it feels dangerous to even suggest, but sometimes it feels like I’m trained as a self-hate monk, and the world is my cloister.

It’s all too much. It also is entirely not enough. I’m so tired, and I’m so sorry about that shitty fucking pun just now.